I was contacted by a fellow Tweeter who just happened to have a live vacancy that he felt might be worth me having a look at. After all, as I'd made clear in my tweets, there really was nothing to lose. If he liked what I wrote, fine, if not, no problem.
Because I was going to be busy at the weekend (I quite often work some of it as part of my flexible working from home set up) I set about writing it straight away and, within just over an hour (my normal turnaround time for such jobs is usually 24 hours due to volume of work) I'd put my spin on the original and given it a slightly less formal tone of voice. It was, after all, for a customer service role, where tone of voice is everything!
I've reproduced the original and the new version below. Given it was written in roughly an hour, I hope you can see what's possible in terms of turning a piece of copy that 'does the job' into a piece of copy that sells the job a bit better, simply by talking to the reader as an individual in a friendly yet professional manner.
Your comments are welcomed of course!