...that make people laugh, I've been there, done that too
When not busy with the daytime job, I can sometimes be found writing comedy. Indeed I have had a sitcom in development in the past with the BBC (sadly it got canned but it was a thrill to get so far with it). I'm also a BBC accredited writer with work having been performed on Radio 4's 'Parsons & Naylor's Pull Out Section's' in 2007.
One day I will post up an entire episode of my sitcom. In the meantime, below are a couple sketches 'wot I wrote'.
Another thing I enjoy doing is making up alternative definitions for words. I'm sure many of you will be familiar with the radio show 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'. If not, basically it's along running BBC entertainment programme. In fact, the most popular comedy show on Radio 4, with an audience of over 2 million tuning in each week. Anyway, in the show there is a definitions round where the panel make up alternative meanings to words in the English language. If you're on Twitter you may well have seen the hashtag #UED and wondered what on earth it stands for. I'll tell you. UED stands for 'Uxbridge English Dictionary', which was the original name of the definitions round. So popular has UED become that they have even published a dictionary full of words mentioned on the show. Without having looked at the dictionary myself and in a genuine attempt to remain original, I have posted a few #UEDs on twitter myself. If any do happen to have been done before, I apologise. I will go out and buy the UED Dictionary for future reference. Click here for my list of UED words or access it from the dropdown menu under 'comedy writing' above.
One day I will post up an entire episode of my sitcom. In the meantime, below are a couple sketches 'wot I wrote'.
Another thing I enjoy doing is making up alternative definitions for words. I'm sure many of you will be familiar with the radio show 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'. If not, basically it's along running BBC entertainment programme. In fact, the most popular comedy show on Radio 4, with an audience of over 2 million tuning in each week. Anyway, in the show there is a definitions round where the panel make up alternative meanings to words in the English language. If you're on Twitter you may well have seen the hashtag #UED and wondered what on earth it stands for. I'll tell you. UED stands for 'Uxbridge English Dictionary', which was the original name of the definitions round. So popular has UED become that they have even published a dictionary full of words mentioned on the show. Without having looked at the dictionary myself and in a genuine attempt to remain original, I have posted a few #UEDs on twitter myself. If any do happen to have been done before, I apologise. I will go out and buy the UED Dictionary for future reference. Click here for my list of UED words or access it from the dropdown menu under 'comedy writing' above.
Parsons & Naylor sketches
Here's a sketch I wrote for BBC Radio 4's Parsons & Naylor's Pull Out Sections about reading between the lines of a job advertisement
JOB ADS. WHAT THEY SAY/WHAT THEY MEAN
ENTICING VOICE: “Looking for a brighter future?”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Your desk will be near a window, or the MD’s solarium, we haven’t decided which yet.
ENTICING VOICE: “We’re an innovative company...”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We were amongst the first to pioneer the introduction of soft toilet paper into the staff toilets, back in 1963.
ENTICING VOICE: “...offering an exciting opportunity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously. When was the last time you were genuinely “excited” at work, eh? And I’m not talking about that time at the Christmas party when you got pissed on cheap wine and thought it would be a laugh to photocopy your genitals. Yes, you’ll be vaguely excited for the first couple of days, maybe even a week. We all were. But the novelty will soon wear off and you’ll become bitter, twisted and resentful like the rest of us
ENTICING VOICE: “full of challenge and variety”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be doing three people’s jobs
ENTICING VOICE: “in a fast paced environment”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be so bloody busy you’ll need to quite literally run round the office, so bring a pair of trainers
ENTICING VOICE: “It’s a great opportunity to become a key player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: As we nip down the pub for a couple of hours every lunchtime to drown our sorrows, leaving you on your own to answer the phones.
ENTICING VOICE: “and make a real difference”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’d better be good or you’ll be out on your arse quicker than you can say ‘probation period’
ENTICING VOICE: “So, if you’re a self-starter”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously, if you are, please tell us what it means because we haven’t got a clue
ENTICING VOICE: ”and team player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We have a company football team. You’re the goalie
ENTICING VOICE: “with a flexible approach”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember that bit we mentioned about doing three people’s jobs? Good. This is just a reminder. Slippers will do if you haven’t got any trainers
ENTICING VOICE: “and a great deal of tact and sensitivity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Did we mention that the boss is an arsehole?
ENTICING VOICE: “we would like to hear from you”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We’re desperate. The last person who did the job went off on sick leave and never came back
ENTICING VOICE: “As well as a competitive salary”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Tell us how much you are being paid at the moment and we might offer you another £500. Don’t lie though. We’ll only find out
ENTICING VOICE: “we offer a whole range of benefits”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: There’s a drinks machine – with a button for soup. Oh and a canteen, but no one eats in it since the last bout of food poisoning. And no, we don’t do mineral water out of poncey dispensers. Buy your own you tight arse.
ENTICING VOICE: “and modern offices situated in a prestigious location”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Yes, the offices are lovely… if you can find them! We’re in the middle of some God forsaken industrial wilderness in the Thames Valley, off the ninth roundabout that looks exactly like the other eight you’ll drive past on your way to the interview, as you get hopelessly lost and arrive late, totally stressed out and in a foul mood.
ENTICING VOICE: “So what are you waiting for”?
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Look, we didn’t spend several thousand pounds on a sexy, all-singing, all-dancing ad just so you could read it, think about it and then simply turn the page. Apply! Now!
ENTICING VOICE: “Please send your current CV and salary details”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: And, remember. No lying about how much you are currently paid and no boring drivel about how you are an avid train spotter who enjoys socialising with yourself, collecting martial arts videos and reading horror stories. We never read those bits anyway. Though on reflection, maybe we should
ENTICING VOICE: “and take the first step towards that brighter future ”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Oh go on then. We’ll throw in a desk lamp
- END -
MOVIE HERO VERSUS ORDINARY BLOKE
(also written for Parsons & Naylor)
INTRO: I love watching the movies, but can’t help thinking to myself sometimes when I see the latest blockbuster, that somehow, in real life, things don’t go quite as smoothly. Here we present 'Movie Hero versus Ordinary Bloke
MOVIE HERO: I’m a movie hero. I walk into a bar and a mysterious attractive woman immediately starts giving me the eye
ORDINARY BLOKE: I’m an ordinary bloke. I walk into a bar and the local nutter immediately starts giving me the eye
MOVIE HERO: No matter how busy the bar is, I always get served straight away
ORDINARY BLOKE: No matter how quiet the bar is, I stand holding a ten pound note out in front of me for twenty minutes, intermittently ‘tutting’ and looking round for people to have a moan about it with
MOVIE HERO: I say “give me a beer” and, despite not specifying a brand and whether I want a glass or a bottle, it arrives on the bar just a few seconds later. I am feeling very cool
ORDINARY BLOKE: When I eventually get the barman’s attention, I say “what bottled beers do you do?” He sighs, looks at me as if I am an idiot and reels off a list of exotic sounding names, half of which I have never heard of. I am feeling very flustered
MOVIE HERO: I down the first beer in one and am immediately poured another by the attentive barman. I am now giving the mysterious attractive woman the eye. Our gazes briefly meet, we both smile knowingly
ORDINARY BLOKE: I'm still making up my mind. The barman loses the will to live and goes and serves somebody else. I try to avoid making eye contact with the local nutter but our gazes briefly meet. He scowls knowingly. I almost shit myself
MOVIE HERO: I take a couple of sips of my second beer, put it on the bar unfinished and, without so much as a word having passed between us, leave with the mysterious attractive woman clinging to me
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finally make a decision. When my drink arrives, I down it in one and leave, before words can pass between me and the local nutter, and, thankfully, without him clinging to me
MOVIE HERO: Back in my car, which is parked right outside, I switch on the radio and immediately find a station that is playing music that puts us in the mood for ‘luuuuurv’.
ORDINARY BLOKE: After a long walk back to my car, which I was forced to park half a mile away as it was the only poxy space I could find, I switch on the radio and fail to find a station that is playing music of any kind. It puts me in the mood for going back and smacking that nutter
MOVIE HERO: I spend the journey talking to the mysterious attractive woman whilst hideously over steering the car and without once looking at the road. Incredibly, not one commercial plays on the radio. We are both getting turned on
ORDINARY BLOKE: I spend the entire journey looking at the road whilst trying to find a radio station that’s playing music rather than commercials. I give up. The radio gets turned off
MOVIE HERO: I park right outside the entrance to my loft apartment. I comment on what a beautiful moonlit night it is
ORDINARY BLOKE: I park three streets away from my bedsit. It’s pissing down
MOVIE HERO: Back in my loft apartment, I ask the mysterious attractive woman if she would like a drink. She says yes. Instead of offering her a choice, I just pour us both a large scotch from an expensive crystal decanter. She doesn’t even stop to question what it is but instead takes a large sip without so much as grimacing.
ORDINARY BLOKE: I eventually arrive back at my bedsit, soaked through. I need a drink to calm my nerves. All I can find is an old half-empty bottle of cheap scotch that has been in the kitchen cupboard for a couple of years. I pour myself a small one into a beaker that doubles as a toothbrush holder and take a sip. I grimace, decide it doesn’t taste too bad and proceed to drink several large ones to calm my nerves
MOVIE HERO: I finish my drink and make a move for the mysterious attractive woman. She responds positively
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finish my half-empty bottle of scotch, I make a move for the toilet, and respond negatively
MOVIE HERO: We fall into bed
ORDINARY BLOKE: I fall into the bath
MOVIE HERO: Despite hardly knowing each other, we make love for what seems like an eternity before reaching an incredibly intense crescendo. We orgasm simultaneously.
ORDINARY BLOKE: Knowing myself all too well, I retch for what seems like an eternity before throwing up all over my clothes and peeing myself simultaneously.
MOVIE HERO: We immediately fall asleep in each others arms
ORDINARY BLOKE: I immediately fall asleep in the bath
- END -
© Alasdair Murray 2012
JOB ADS. WHAT THEY SAY/WHAT THEY MEAN
ENTICING VOICE: “Looking for a brighter future?”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Your desk will be near a window, or the MD’s solarium, we haven’t decided which yet.
ENTICING VOICE: “We’re an innovative company...”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We were amongst the first to pioneer the introduction of soft toilet paper into the staff toilets, back in 1963.
ENTICING VOICE: “...offering an exciting opportunity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously. When was the last time you were genuinely “excited” at work, eh? And I’m not talking about that time at the Christmas party when you got pissed on cheap wine and thought it would be a laugh to photocopy your genitals. Yes, you’ll be vaguely excited for the first couple of days, maybe even a week. We all were. But the novelty will soon wear off and you’ll become bitter, twisted and resentful like the rest of us
ENTICING VOICE: “full of challenge and variety”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be doing three people’s jobs
ENTICING VOICE: “in a fast paced environment”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be so bloody busy you’ll need to quite literally run round the office, so bring a pair of trainers
ENTICING VOICE: “It’s a great opportunity to become a key player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: As we nip down the pub for a couple of hours every lunchtime to drown our sorrows, leaving you on your own to answer the phones.
ENTICING VOICE: “and make a real difference”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’d better be good or you’ll be out on your arse quicker than you can say ‘probation period’
ENTICING VOICE: “So, if you’re a self-starter”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously, if you are, please tell us what it means because we haven’t got a clue
ENTICING VOICE: ”and team player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We have a company football team. You’re the goalie
ENTICING VOICE: “with a flexible approach”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember that bit we mentioned about doing three people’s jobs? Good. This is just a reminder. Slippers will do if you haven’t got any trainers
ENTICING VOICE: “and a great deal of tact and sensitivity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Did we mention that the boss is an arsehole?
ENTICING VOICE: “we would like to hear from you”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We’re desperate. The last person who did the job went off on sick leave and never came back
ENTICING VOICE: “As well as a competitive salary”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Tell us how much you are being paid at the moment and we might offer you another £500. Don’t lie though. We’ll only find out
ENTICING VOICE: “we offer a whole range of benefits”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: There’s a drinks machine – with a button for soup. Oh and a canteen, but no one eats in it since the last bout of food poisoning. And no, we don’t do mineral water out of poncey dispensers. Buy your own you tight arse.
ENTICING VOICE: “and modern offices situated in a prestigious location”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Yes, the offices are lovely… if you can find them! We’re in the middle of some God forsaken industrial wilderness in the Thames Valley, off the ninth roundabout that looks exactly like the other eight you’ll drive past on your way to the interview, as you get hopelessly lost and arrive late, totally stressed out and in a foul mood.
ENTICING VOICE: “So what are you waiting for”?
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Look, we didn’t spend several thousand pounds on a sexy, all-singing, all-dancing ad just so you could read it, think about it and then simply turn the page. Apply! Now!
ENTICING VOICE: “Please send your current CV and salary details”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: And, remember. No lying about how much you are currently paid and no boring drivel about how you are an avid train spotter who enjoys socialising with yourself, collecting martial arts videos and reading horror stories. We never read those bits anyway. Though on reflection, maybe we should
ENTICING VOICE: “and take the first step towards that brighter future ”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Oh go on then. We’ll throw in a desk lamp
- END -
MOVIE HERO VERSUS ORDINARY BLOKE
(also written for Parsons & Naylor)
INTRO: I love watching the movies, but can’t help thinking to myself sometimes when I see the latest blockbuster, that somehow, in real life, things don’t go quite as smoothly. Here we present 'Movie Hero versus Ordinary Bloke
MOVIE HERO: I’m a movie hero. I walk into a bar and a mysterious attractive woman immediately starts giving me the eye
ORDINARY BLOKE: I’m an ordinary bloke. I walk into a bar and the local nutter immediately starts giving me the eye
MOVIE HERO: No matter how busy the bar is, I always get served straight away
ORDINARY BLOKE: No matter how quiet the bar is, I stand holding a ten pound note out in front of me for twenty minutes, intermittently ‘tutting’ and looking round for people to have a moan about it with
MOVIE HERO: I say “give me a beer” and, despite not specifying a brand and whether I want a glass or a bottle, it arrives on the bar just a few seconds later. I am feeling very cool
ORDINARY BLOKE: When I eventually get the barman’s attention, I say “what bottled beers do you do?” He sighs, looks at me as if I am an idiot and reels off a list of exotic sounding names, half of which I have never heard of. I am feeling very flustered
MOVIE HERO: I down the first beer in one and am immediately poured another by the attentive barman. I am now giving the mysterious attractive woman the eye. Our gazes briefly meet, we both smile knowingly
ORDINARY BLOKE: I'm still making up my mind. The barman loses the will to live and goes and serves somebody else. I try to avoid making eye contact with the local nutter but our gazes briefly meet. He scowls knowingly. I almost shit myself
MOVIE HERO: I take a couple of sips of my second beer, put it on the bar unfinished and, without so much as a word having passed between us, leave with the mysterious attractive woman clinging to me
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finally make a decision. When my drink arrives, I down it in one and leave, before words can pass between me and the local nutter, and, thankfully, without him clinging to me
MOVIE HERO: Back in my car, which is parked right outside, I switch on the radio and immediately find a station that is playing music that puts us in the mood for ‘luuuuurv’.
ORDINARY BLOKE: After a long walk back to my car, which I was forced to park half a mile away as it was the only poxy space I could find, I switch on the radio and fail to find a station that is playing music of any kind. It puts me in the mood for going back and smacking that nutter
MOVIE HERO: I spend the journey talking to the mysterious attractive woman whilst hideously over steering the car and without once looking at the road. Incredibly, not one commercial plays on the radio. We are both getting turned on
ORDINARY BLOKE: I spend the entire journey looking at the road whilst trying to find a radio station that’s playing music rather than commercials. I give up. The radio gets turned off
MOVIE HERO: I park right outside the entrance to my loft apartment. I comment on what a beautiful moonlit night it is
ORDINARY BLOKE: I park three streets away from my bedsit. It’s pissing down
MOVIE HERO: Back in my loft apartment, I ask the mysterious attractive woman if she would like a drink. She says yes. Instead of offering her a choice, I just pour us both a large scotch from an expensive crystal decanter. She doesn’t even stop to question what it is but instead takes a large sip without so much as grimacing.
ORDINARY BLOKE: I eventually arrive back at my bedsit, soaked through. I need a drink to calm my nerves. All I can find is an old half-empty bottle of cheap scotch that has been in the kitchen cupboard for a couple of years. I pour myself a small one into a beaker that doubles as a toothbrush holder and take a sip. I grimace, decide it doesn’t taste too bad and proceed to drink several large ones to calm my nerves
MOVIE HERO: I finish my drink and make a move for the mysterious attractive woman. She responds positively
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finish my half-empty bottle of scotch, I make a move for the toilet, and respond negatively
MOVIE HERO: We fall into bed
ORDINARY BLOKE: I fall into the bath
MOVIE HERO: Despite hardly knowing each other, we make love for what seems like an eternity before reaching an incredibly intense crescendo. We orgasm simultaneously.
ORDINARY BLOKE: Knowing myself all too well, I retch for what seems like an eternity before throwing up all over my clothes and peeing myself simultaneously.
MOVIE HERO: We immediately fall asleep in each others arms
ORDINARY BLOKE: I immediately fall asleep in the bath
- END -
© Alasdair Murray 2012
